Caloden


Questions for a Higher Power
April 27, 2006, 5:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have to get a few things off my chest. I will preface this by saying that I am in no way mocking the people I am about to discuss, but rather I am fascinated and somewhat in awe of them. True, I do find some of their ways oddly entertaining but it is only because at heart I am dark and cold. This all has to do with the Mormons I observe during our visits to Utah. When we are there I am always full of endless questions for Matt about these people and their ways. He is not the best person to approach since he was asked to leave the curch when he was just 15, but he is the handiest and I sometimes glimpse a cold, black spot in his heart that warms the evil in mine.

First off these are people who are not supposed to drink caffiene or alcohol. That in and of itself leaves me speechless. Why? My morning coffee makes me a better person. My children plead with me to drink a cup if they happen to encounter me in the mornings before I have yet ingested some caffiene. And a glass of wine in the evenings is my reward for surviving yet another day with my offspring. I don't drink alcohol everyday but I sure as hell need my coffee or that black spot in my heart grows even bigger.

My list goes on, so lest I get too chatty I will just list the items:

  • Everywhere I look in Provo I see young people, teens and twenty-somethings, jogging. They are fit and pink cheeked. Are they all out running because it is happy hour everywhere else in the nation and they can't attend? Or are they happy just to be out jogging?
  • There are no bars in Provo but on nearly every corner is an ice cream parlour. Yet all those young people are so thin and fit. Do they not get fat because they have scored gazillions of Jesus Points by skipping happy hour?
  • It seems like all the moms at the malls have tall hair at the rear crowns of their heads. How do they do that? Do they buy small humped inserts at beauty stores? What is under there?
  • And how do all those moms get so thin so fast? Is it that holy high metabolism thing? Are they rewarded with it for producing so many children in such a short amount of time?
  • Why is that everywhere we move the Mormons have always found us? They kicked Matt out and I am a Dirty Rotten Catholic. Why do they keep inviting us for ice cream?
  • For the store workers who actually work on Sundays, are they on a fast track to hell because they aren't at church in hose and heels or one of those black suits?
  • Why is it that those women with five children under the age of five always look so calm and happy? And why are their children so well behaved? If I had that many children I would skip the caffiene and go straight for the wine bottle everyday.

Now I don't know much of anything about the Mormon religion. The limited knowledge I have has come from observing Matt's family gatherings, reading Under the Banner of Heaven and watching my new favorite show, Big Love. I'm sure all these question have obvious answers and I am just too steeped in my ongoing quest of Catholic Jesus Points to get the true meaning of God Love.

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

*too busy laughing to comment*

Comment by jennster

How is Big Love? And have they made you eat frog eye salad yet?

Comment by jen

My sister saved me in the Mormon church. Now I just have to find me an Episcopal and a Church of Christ-er and I will have all the Jesus camps covered just in case.

It upsets me when you dont post every day.

Comment by Racketside

Here are some links that I believe will be interested

Comment by ertryytyt




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