Caloden


Jump on for the ride
April 29, 2006, 5:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

37.5 mg of Effexor turned out to be a really good thing after about 5 days. Wednesday I woke up and felt like I had risen from a sort of waking coma. I had energy and absolutely no need to nap all day. Today my orders were to up the dosage to 75 mg. Holy. Shit. About 20 minutes after I swallowed the pill I felt as though I had just consumed six grande lattes. And I have felt like that ALL day long. 

 75 mg is not a good thing. I don't like this at all. I feel the need to go scour the tile grout with Devon's wee tooth brush until about 3 a.m., but at the same time I yearn for my pillow.



Questions for a Higher Power
April 27, 2006, 5:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have to get a few things off my chest. I will preface this by saying that I am in no way mocking the people I am about to discuss, but rather I am fascinated and somewhat in awe of them. True, I do find some of their ways oddly entertaining but it is only because at heart I am dark and cold. This all has to do with the Mormons I observe during our visits to Utah. When we are there I am always full of endless questions for Matt about these people and their ways. He is not the best person to approach since he was asked to leave the curch when he was just 15, but he is the handiest and I sometimes glimpse a cold, black spot in his heart that warms the evil in mine.

First off these are people who are not supposed to drink caffiene or alcohol. That in and of itself leaves me speechless. Why? My morning coffee makes me a better person. My children plead with me to drink a cup if they happen to encounter me in the mornings before I have yet ingested some caffiene. And a glass of wine in the evenings is my reward for surviving yet another day with my offspring. I don't drink alcohol everyday but I sure as hell need my coffee or that black spot in my heart grows even bigger.

My list goes on, so lest I get too chatty I will just list the items:

  • Everywhere I look in Provo I see young people, teens and twenty-somethings, jogging. They are fit and pink cheeked. Are they all out running because it is happy hour everywhere else in the nation and they can't attend? Or are they happy just to be out jogging?
  • There are no bars in Provo but on nearly every corner is an ice cream parlour. Yet all those young people are so thin and fit. Do they not get fat because they have scored gazillions of Jesus Points by skipping happy hour?
  • It seems like all the moms at the malls have tall hair at the rear crowns of their heads. How do they do that? Do they buy small humped inserts at beauty stores? What is under there?
  • And how do all those moms get so thin so fast? Is it that holy high metabolism thing? Are they rewarded with it for producing so many children in such a short amount of time?
  • Why is that everywhere we move the Mormons have always found us? They kicked Matt out and I am a Dirty Rotten Catholic. Why do they keep inviting us for ice cream?
  • For the store workers who actually work on Sundays, are they on a fast track to hell because they aren't at church in hose and heels or one of those black suits?
  • Why is it that those women with five children under the age of five always look so calm and happy? And why are their children so well behaved? If I had that many children I would skip the caffiene and go straight for the wine bottle everyday.

Now I don't know much of anything about the Mormon religion. The limited knowledge I have has come from observing Matt's family gatherings, reading Under the Banner of Heaven and watching my new favorite show, Big Love. I'm sure all these question have obvious answers and I am just too steeped in my ongoing quest of Catholic Jesus Points to get the true meaning of God Love.



Have Ferret, Will Travel
April 26, 2006, 4:59 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Matt and the kids and I visit Matt’s parents about three or four times each year. We live close enough so that anything less would be rude, but just far enough away, about 6 hours, that the trip is really quite an undertaking. We had been trying to visit during March and most of April, but due to my work schedule and fatigue I kept begging off. This past weekend I had used up all of my excuses, and whether or not I was actually dying we were all going to pack into Matt’s car and make the trek. The trip would be more enjoyable if Matt had a large SUV or I had a smoothe mini van equipped with DVD entertainment, but alas, he drives a small Toyota. Not only does his vehicle not sport movies for the kids but it also has just a tape player, and since we own only CD’s this leaves us to the mercy of conservative Utah radio programming for most of the ride.

When we leave town we send our shithead dog, Mouse, to stay with my parents. We once left him with a friend but Mouse has severe separation anxieties and he ran away from the house for over 48 hours. My mother tends to our cat, George, but she draws the line at ferret sitting. Since our unfortunate experience with Whinny the Guniea during our Christmas visit to Utah, we decided to take Hyde the Ferret with us to the In-Law’s house. Yes. How fucking crazy is that? I couldn’t quite wrap myself around this aspect of the trip until I actually witnessed Matt collapsing the large cage, emptying out the litter and stuffing the whole thing into the trunk. We then depostited Hyde into a cardboard carrying box, packed all of our bags and climbed in the car. All was well until Cassidy started shrieking. We turned around to find Hyde clawing his way out of the box. Fortunately, we were leaving late enough so that we could hit Petco on the way out of town to purchase a portable cat carrier.

When we got to Provo, Matt’s mother was out and about on one of her errands. His father ushered us in and told us that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to inform her of Hyde’s visit. He sent us downstairs to unpack and settle in and to get the ferret out of sight as soon as possible. His hope was that she might not ever go downstairs and would possibly remain oblivious of Hyde’s existence. No such luck. On her first visit to our room she didn’t notice him. But during her second inspection she ran into the four foot long cage, jumped several feet in the air and let out a squeal. My lame explanation of his presence left her somewhat stammering and she quickly scuttled out of the room. I just don’t think she was able to wrap herself around it anymore than I was. But I do have to give her some credit, tonight when she came down to ask us some questions about tomorrow’s departure she walked in during Hyde’s romp. Although I was across the room I could see her shutter at the weaselish beast as he frollicked upon her couch and coffee table. But she gathered herself up, ignored him and went on with her quest. She didn’t ask to hold him but neither did she spit at him. I think that’s progress.



Genetics at Play
April 20, 2006, 11:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I don’t have cancer. I don’t have MS. I am not terribly anemic. I know all of this because I spent the afternoon at the doctor’s office while the lab drew my blood and my doctor asked me a gazillion questions. I have been so exhausted that I have been unable to work, tend to the children or even bathe much for the past few weeks. I can’t focus on even the smallest thoughts and the kids have not had clean socks for at least ten days. I began to suspect that I might be dying of some terrible ailment, and if my death was not immanent I would likely spend the rest of my days watching my life slowly slipping away from me. 

But none of that is the case. It turns out that I am just nuts. No news there. The Prozac is actually causing my fatigue, not cancer. So now I will start on Effexor. If I had the energy I might curse my screwy brain chemistry, but I don’t. So in the morning I will take my new capsule and start on a new path. Will it work? I sure the hell hope so. 



Like Bread and Butter
April 16, 2006, 6:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Toddlers go well with so many things: playgrounds, sandboxes, Easter egg hunts. But menstrual cramps? No. Nuh-uh. Not the kind that sneak up on you every four or five months. The kind where you want to hide in a corner and mourn the fact that you were born with the two X chromosomes and were not blessed with that Y. Or the kind that make you want to rip out your girl parts and shove them deep into the mouth of the nearest male just so he can get the smallest taste of what it means to be SHE. Or the kind that make you ever so slightly psycho so that when your children ask you for a band aid your initial reaction is, “What the fuck? Why the fuck do want that? Put a piece of fucking tape over that cut, for fuck’s sake.”

No, this is not an arena for toddlers.



Trolls and Tards
April 13, 2006, 4:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I just read Dooce.com’s post about internet haters and how she deals with them. I have to admit that my brief run in with them has given me food for thought this past week. I will sometimes find myself looking at my children and wondering, “Maybe there was a mix up at the hospital? Or perhaps I have been taking Ambien all these years causing me to sleep walk to the various neighborhood beds? And am I binge eating while I do this as well? Because that would conveniently explain the brunette, the red head, the blonde and the extra 20 pounds.

I had a fabulous picture of the Strawberry, Chocolate and Vanilla gang but I am far too much of a techno tard to be able to get it here. Just can’t make this Mac work.



Get over it, already….
April 12, 2006, 6:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have recurring anxiety dreams on a fairly regular basis. They morph each time, but the general theme remains the same.When I have my act together, their frequency lessens, but in times of slacking they slap me something fierce on an almost nightly basis. It doesn’t seem to matter which area of my life is in arrears, these dreams rise up from my inner psyche and terrorize me to my very core. The theme goes something like this: for some reason, and it is never quite clear, I have not completed a class during my highschool career. The class varies, but it generally boils down to a math course.  The incompletion of this class renders my current college degree completely useless.  I am not quite sure who sits on the review board of my educational career, but they are cruel and completely unbending in their judgement. Due to my inability to previously finish the course I must now, at whatever age I happen to be, return to school and finish not only the class but repeat every other class and several other grades depending upon where that class is in the highschool curriculum. The one hitch being that I cannot reveal that I am not my current age but really 14, 15 or 16. This means that sometimes  I must conceal the fact that I can actually drive. It also means that I have to firgure out daycare for Devon, afterschool care for Loren and Cassidy and babysitting times for Friday night football games, all without letting my classmates or teachers know. The pressure is such that if I err in way I will have to repeat the semester again and again, something akin to that creepy Groundhog movie.

Last night I had a new twist on the dream. I had to return to college for four semesters, leave the children and repeat/finish my classes. But the hitch in this dream was that I had to start this all mid-semester. This meant I had to find a dorm room, catch up on all my classes, arrange for all the care and living arrangements for the children during my absence and still aprear calm, cool and collected. Needless to say I awoke in a panic this morning with all the planning I had to do….