Caloden


Quick Fixes
March 21, 2006, 5:43 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

She will be then end of me. I have known this since she was in utero. I had to be on bedrest with her at six months because her constant flips and table dancing caused me to have too many contractions. After she was born I began drinking coffee just to get through the days. I, who would be sent on a caffiene high for hours from just one Coke, took to drinking coffee throughout my days just so that I could continue to walk upright and breathe at the same time. Now almost nine years later she is smarter, faster, has more endurance than me and will ultimately take me down. I could go into today’s drama, break it down to where it started, how I blindly walked into it and how she was the victor. But really, does it make any difference? I think not. The same scenario will happen tomorrow, next week, this summer….

But this evening I did come up with a bit of hope. What if there were a time released Valium patch. There a zillion patches these days. Nicorette, the birth conrol patch, etc. Lots. So why not a Valium one calibrated to kick in for those difficult hours of the day. I would program mine to begin at about 3:25, five minutes before Cass gets out of school. It wouldn’t have enough kick to throw me on my ass, afterall I do have three kids and I have to be in the here and now to make sure they don’t scald themselves with hot water or staple their hands to their homework. But it would contain enough magic to take the edge off so that her kicking and screaming wouldn’t assault the senses in such a hideous manner. The patch would then taper off around bedtime, leaving me useful for such tasks as laundry, scrubbing the random sink, perhaps meeting up with Matt for a quick spank. I think this idea has merit. It beats duct taping her mouth and hands and leaving her in the hall closet -not that the thought has ever entered my mind. It would be cheaper than boarding school. And I would likely feel pretty groovy. But today, as I had no Dream Patch, I strapped on my new Super Bra, tied up my running shoes and hauled my ass out for a jog. It didn’t fix everything, she was still attrocious when I returned, but I was too damn tired to be deeply bothered.

Advertisements

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

Too funny! I forgot to tell you that my dad told me that Pat is on a pain patch now. I wonder if you could steal one of hers when you go out?

Comment by inkstains




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: