Time Lines
March 16, 2006, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Last night I went to my second Weight Watcher’s meeting. Not one to rush into things, I took three weeks off to see if it really was the right club for me. But after all that time the only pants that fit me are my awful J. Lo knockoffs, so last night I sucked it up, checked into the meeting, stood on the scale and sat through the meeting. I don’t remember most of the meeting because not only did I not lose weight, I actually gained some. Yes, on the Celebrity Fit Club that mean sargent fellow would have chewed me out something fierce about my inability to control my self-indulgent ways and buckle down to healthy eating habits. So I’ll give it a whirl. Today is fairly nice out and Devon has gained some of his voice back so later I think we’ll try a stroll in the jogger. In the meantime, I have cut down on the sugar in my coffee, didn’t snack on the kids’ lunch items as I was packing them and I might not go to the store for Cadbury Eggs today.

I really don’t know when this whole getting off my ass thing became such an issue. I used to exercise everyday, it was as much a habit as brushing my teeth. I loved to exercise and tended to lean towards bitchiness when I didn’t get any. As with many things, I suspect Devon’s arrival might have something to do with it, but I think there might be more to it than that. Two months before he was born, my midwife was killed in a car crash. We had planned on a home birth because I can’t take any drugs -they make me crazy- and so a hospital birth seemd rather pointless. Plus I had already done it two times so putting a hot tub in the living room and then going up to my own bed with a new, pink baby seemed like a swell idea. She was a fabulous woman and I trusted her completely. I have no idea why she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt that day. A week after her death, our ferret escaped through the cat door and the neighbor dog, being a canine with carnivorous habits, pierced his chest. I was shaken by Jeanette’s death but losing Mickey the Ferret sent me into crying fest -funny what can set off a person. So then we had to go through the process of finding new medical care for Devon’s birth. We went the hospital route, ended up with a lovely midwife and Devon was born, sans complications. However, seven weeks later he was diagnosed with his heart defect, two weeks later he had surgery and then we were home. About four weeks later, over the Thanksgiving break, Matt, the children and I were in Provo visiting his family. We went out to find a mall, because shopping seems to be the official State of Utah past time, and I crashed Matt’s car. Into another car. I was a basket case. It wasn’t a bad crash. But the fact that I had smooshed our moving vehicle into another one with all my children inside of it left me more than unsteady. When we returned home I couldn’t bring myself to renew the tags on my VW and chose to drive Matt’s damaged car or take the bus instead. And so my adorable beetle, named Baby Beluga, sat in the drive all through the winter, spring, summer, fall and continues to sit there now. At this point it needs some work and I just haven’t been able to tackle it. We have some funds set aside and, I hope, within the next month or so I will again be tooling about in Baby B. The failure I experience everyday as we pile into Matt’s car or figure out creative transportation options has almost run its course.

Sometime during the dark months of last winter my anxieties must have gotten the better of me and I slipped into depression. I think it was a combination of post partum issues, the traumas of losing Jeanette and the ferret within a week, the fear or giving birth. Follow up that with the initial shock of Devon’s diagnosis, the rush to get the surgery done and the knowledge that his life was not a true certainty and I was shaken. Plus, the winter months with all their cold and darkness are always hard for me. I like the sun. I like to wake up and the sky is light. I like to go for long walks after dinner and sit out on the patio to listen to the sounds of evening. In so many ways last year felt like failure and loss to me. There were so many days when I would look at the kids and want to cry because I knew I was such a lousy example of motherhood for them. There were many times when I seriously considered ending it all. But when faced with the horror of where that would leave Matt and the kids kept me from crossing that line.

Things are definitely getting better. Spring is coming, although Colorado springs consist mostly of mud, and the days are filled with more light. Most of the time I have hope and am excited to start each day. But it’s still a fragile balance. These past few have been so harsh. With Matt being so sick, followed by Devon, Loren and Cassidy getting sick, I am again feeling that fear of being able to get through the days. I am having such a hard time focusing and completing tasks. This morning I got up and showered for the first time in days and I might even make it out of my pajamas today. I’m going to try really hard not to eat all the lunch snacks so that the kids have fun lunches for Friday. I’ll try not to leave the wet laundry in the washer all day. And I’ll try to celebrate the day or at least just enjoy the here and now.


4 Comments so far
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This is Jen. What a beautiful post. I really understand that darkness, that dark place, even though, knock on wood, I am not in it at the moment. And I am so grateful that you are still with us. I didn’t know about Jeanette or Mickey before this post.

And all of this reminds me that I need to take wet clothes out of the washing machine…

Comment by inkstains

I got depressed just reading about all that`s happened to you — no wonder you were so down when you were living it. Glad you seem to be feeling better.
In less than a year, beginning right after I found out we were leaving Tokyo, I gained 30 pounds. I truly thought everything was more or less all right and that was muddling through it all just fine, but my clothing size tells me otherwise.
I`m trying not to think about weight, and to concentrate on health. Good luck with WW — I`m too cheap to join them, but I know so many people who swear by them.

Comment by L.

Wow. When bad stuff happens, it happens all over, doesn’t it?

the nice thing about machines is that even if you leave them alone for a while, after a little tune-up, they are ready for you all over again. I’m glad to hear your family is allright, they’re much harder to fix than a car.

p.s. in answer to your question on Chaosfox- yes.

Comment by Kitsunekaze

sorry.. I mean, yes, you can use it.. no, I don’t mind. argh. See?! what happens when I try to type and cook at the same time?

Comment by Kitsunekaze

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