November 4, 2005, 10:52 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Devon’s heart surgery. Last year on November 4 we were sitting in the cardiac waiting room at Children’s Hospital in Denver, we were waiting for the nurse to come take Devon away so that his deformed aorta could be repaired. I didn’t think I would be able to relinquish him when the nurse came, but take him she did. I can’t recall most of that day. I do remember getting a call in the middle of the next night, Devon was having complications, he had stopped breathing and they were giving him a transfusion. I remember racing through Denver to the hospital, making deals with God all the way. I remember seeing him sedated with all the tubes going in and out of his tiny 12 week old body. And I remember the relief when the nurses told us he was on the mend. I stayed at his bedside for the next several days and as he started to wake up he made nursing noises in his deep, drugged sleep, and after a couple of days he started clawing at the oxygen tubes on his face. Most of the time passed in a sort of distant haze, I knew I was there but I felt somehow removed.

When we returned home I thought that haziness would fade away and I would get on the stick: lose the post partum pounds, interact with the children, be productive. Afterall, I had so much for which to rejoice. I had a healthy baby. But the haze didn’t pass, if anything it got thicker as the winter progressed. I barely remember much of the past year. I can recall the high points and the happy times with the children, but I don’t remeber much about my personal role in it all.

Perhaps the haze has had something to do with lack of sleep. Devon only began sleeping through most of the night sometime this past summer, but I often wake in the dark hours and sneak over to the crib to make sure he is still breathing. And if he sleeps for more than an hour in the day, I am convinced he has somehow perished in his crib. This continual stalking on my part is likely why he will only nap for exactly sixty minutes. He must know that if he slumbers any longer, he will wake only to find me peering through the crib bars and gently prodding is chubby little tummy.

This one year mark is pivotal for me. I have long thought that if he made it through this past year, he would be around for long after. The doctors have told me otherwise at all his many cardio checkups. They tell me that although he has funky heart valves, he is fine. He is good to go, even better since he now sports a titanium aorta. So now it is time for me to step back a bit and concentrate on myself: getting back on that stick, losing those pounds, developing my career, sticking to my lists, rejoicing in my healthy children and perhaps I will even be able to give up my crib stalking ways.


5 Comments so far
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You are quietly breaking my heart with this blog, and your exquisite writing, one post at a time.

Comment by jen-o-rama

I still stalk the kids. I’m not sure if we ever stop.

Happy Anniversary with many more to come.

Comment by MIM

We had a two pounder who had RSV shortly after she came home from the hospital. When she came home for the second time, we took around the clock shifts just staring at her. We didn’t trust the monitor.

Mim’s right. I’m not sure we ever completely lose the worry, no matter how healthy the kids.

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