S is for Snake
September 30, 2005, 8:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This afternoon when I picked up my twelve year old son, Loren, I asked him how his day was. He said fine, etc, and then proceeded to ask me.” Mom, how do you make out?”

Ouch. Right here, I was wishing to be anywhere else but in the our car at this moment. Because I realized immediately that he didn’t mean you as in his dad and me, he didn’t mean you as in the second person plural general sense, he meant you as in me, as in first person singular. AS IN HIM.

And right then and there all those times when I said, “Loren, I want us to have an open and honest relationship. I want you to be able to confide in me. I want you to feel comfortable with me.”, came flooding back to me. Crapper, time to pay up and face the music.

So being the open, honest and comfortable mom that I am, I said, “You mean make out, as in kiss?.”

Yes, that is exactly what he meant and what he had been up to on his half day out of school. Hanging out with his current young lady, his two buddies and their lovlies. All of them daring each other to “make out”, although none of them really knew the meaning of the dare.

And being the open and honest mom that I pretend to be, this is what limited wisdom I gave to him:

1. First off, a girl loooooves a good kisser. It’s all in the kiss. If you have a fabulous kiss, the rest can wait for quite a few years.

2. Soft lips, but not fluffy lips.

3. Go slow. Much more anticipation that way. (And yes, self-serving on my part).

4. No snake toungue.

5. No thick dog toungue, which goes hand in hand with salivating -a big no.

6. Nipping and biting is NOT for beginners. Plus, it leads to unsavory gossip in the 7th grade.

7. Hands are good for holding right now. Groping and fondling is for the advanced class.

8. A vertical approach is sufficient. Anything horizontal is too much.

9. While kissing is fabulous, a girl also loves a fellow who can converse.

10. Finally, whatever he does the girl will immediately turn around and tell ALL of her girlfriends. For concrete evidence of this I told him about a snake-toungue-kisser from highschool that my friends and I still mock. So he should think before he acts.

I knew that if I blew this small test, some part of the remaining adolescence was in jeapordy. As of tonight we are still on an open page. I am creeping and crawling with the willies, but we are open and honest and that is all that really matters to me.


1 Comment so far
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Oh my god. My baby brother’s baby boy is making out with girls.

Just sign me up for the retirement home right now.

Comment by jen-o-rama

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