Caloden

I have never made any claims that I have easily adjusted to motherhood. After nearly 13 years at this gig, I still feel spanked at the end of most days. The past few days have been stingers. Although I bitch incessantly about my difficulties with Cassidy, I do love her to core of my being. For most of her life she has been the most amazingly glittered star in all of the sky. Her sass, her kick ass, get the hell out of my way approach to life have been such a gift -though sometimes when it is me she is kicking aside, I wonder just what it is I brought into the world. But in the last few months Cassidy's sparkle has faded. I didn't get it at first, and I might still be wrong. But when I really started watching her I realized that this child isn't eating. And not in a I-don't-like-this-fix-me-something-else way, but in a 400 calorie a day way. Not good for a growing girl. It could be she is physically sick somewhere in her skinny, boney body. I am taking her in for blood tests to rule out anything. But I suspect she started to cut back somewhere along the way in the past few months and now her stomach always hurts and she will go to all sorts of lengths to avoid eating.

But then ther are bright spots. Cassidy is going to Disney Land this Friday. The family that took her to Sea World for their older daughter's birthday is celebrating the little sister's birthday. She will again board a plane on Friday morning, land in L.A. and spend the day at Disney Land and return home in the evening. Craziness. Absolute insanity. I have my issues with this. Soaring gas prices, not enough fossil fuels to keep the world moving, holes in the ozone layer from too much pollution, what sort of message does this send, if she isn't eating how will she have the energy for this sort of excursion, all those sorts of things. But she is excited. I'll pack some protein bars in her pocket and hope for the best. What the hell else can I do?